The Long Surf

The weight of responsibility is a heavy blanket, isn’t it? A suffocating, woollen thing that settles on your shoulders and, before you know it, you can barely remember what it was like to stand without it. I was young and free, then I was just free, and now… now I’m neither. I’m living my life, genuinely, and it feels selfish to even write that. To admit that, despite it all, I am so utterly, completely burned out.

I work hard, I earn more than I ever have – a modest amount, but my career progression is healthy. Yet every penny seems to get sucked into the pot of staying afloat. It’s not lavish; there are little treats, sure, but no spontaneous holidays abroad or expensive gifts on a whim. The concept of me as an individual has been in decline since I became a father. I’m grateful, of course, but it’s a reality that can leave you feeling hollowed out.

I spent my teens, 20s, and 30s procrastinating. If I’m being kind to myself, my creativity and social skills aren’t a tap that can be left on for long periods, so I do need my off days. But I also wasted money on pointless stuff, short-term escapes from the grind. I wish someone had shown me the value of money, of responsibility and care, because now it’s messing with my head. I’m a good guy, I’m likeable, but I’m so stressed right now.

What is Normal?

I was at the point of tears yesterday, wishing I was just normal. It feels crazy. I feel pathetic. You know, I wish I could just be someone who drinks lager, takes the piss out of his mates, and doesn’t question life’s mysteries.

Is that normal? Is that what I really want?

I think too much. I’m constantly aware of my own inadequacy, how different I am. Am I likeable or just gullible? I’m drawn to fellow wounded animals. But I’m not that bloke, not to disparage others for not being as “deep” as me. I’m just burning myself out trying to fight life instead of learning to surf it.

Surfs Up Duuuuude

I want to surf life. The real me is in there somewhere, and I feel it occasionally. It happens in a blink, a fleeting moment of clarity. I need to figure out how to turn those blinks into sustained phases.

I’ve been doing a little research lately – into how responsibility crushes us as we age, and how we pick up more and more scars along the way. But in that process, I’ve found some ways that might just help us.

This is the start of a journey. A way for us to figure out how to get on that tatty board and ride the wave, rather than being pummelled by it. It’s an exploration of finding peace in a life that feels anything but peaceful.

If you’re feeling the same way – burnt out, stuck, and looking for a way to find your own version of “normal” – then join me. I’ll be sharing more about the insights and discoveries I’ve made on my journey to digital wellness and greater inner peace in my bi-weekly newsletter.